Walthros Edition
A Feature by Paul Harrington and Fenrir-Lunaris

Good evening gentlemen! Welcome to the first edition of Monsterology! I am your host, Horace Alfonse Montgomery.

Each month, I will do my best to travel to the far reaches of the OHR universe to educate you, my good readers, on what sort of horrible beasts lurk in the deep reaches of space. My mission is to observe without interfering with society, so unfortunately I can't ask the natives for information. But fear not! My observation skills are keen, and I promise to bring you the truth! I have sent my reports back to my colleague on Earth, who has done his best to illustrate these wonderful animals based on my information.

This month, we are visiting the planet Walthros, which was featured in the computer role-playing video game of the same name. This is a strange and diverse world, and there were some real surprises here!

Walthrosian Fish:
This would seem to be the most common form of sentient life on this planet. These things are everywhere! They call themselves fish, but these don't look like any fish I've ever seen. Let's see... they don't live underwater. They can breathe air. They have no tails. They have psychic abilities. Yeah, these aren't fish, someone lied to them when they asked what they were. These not-fish hover above the ground, but don't seem to be capable of flight. They wobble about over the ground a good six to eighteen inches, possibly as a result of the psychic energy running through their bodies. My colleague proposes that they float by filling their oversized swim bladders with hydrogen gas, hence their portly appearance. They have an odd sense of fashion, wearing what seem to be capes and not much else. Not a pair of pants in a whole school of these guys. They'll eat... pretty much anything. These guys love food. I don't think they're cannibalistic, but who can say? With a mouth that large they could swallow their friends whole and no one would know!

Dunzai Worms:
These creatures are more like worms than the Walthrosian Fish are like fish, but not by enough to satisfy this hog. They have elongated bodies and can move by crawling, like Earth's worms. However, they don't do that very often. Instead these lazy bums fly around using rocket packs that they've developed over the past few centuries. You might ask how something with no limbs could develop such technology. The answer? Psychic powers! Again! Don't let their glazed over, googly-eyed stares fool you; these guys are brilliant. They're possibly the most intelligent life on this planet. Well, they may be smart, but at least I've got arms! Ha!

How did these get here? A multitude of dinosaurs inhabit Walthros, and for the most part they're extremely similar to the dinosaurs of Earth's distant past. They have developed psychic powers as well, like most of the life here. It must be something in the water. They can also speak, but most of them don't have a lot to say. Perhaps Earth's dinosaurs didn't go entirely extinct, but were instead abducted and brought here.

Ah, finally, a brute! Yuks have extremely limited intellects, and focus all of their energy on eating and fighting. They are solitary creatures by nature, but will hunt in packs when more powerful prey is present. They are gooey and sponge-like in texture, and are like a cross between Earth's sea cucumbers and eels. They crawl on their bellies normally, but rear up on their tails for combat. They'll eat anything, including each other. They're normally fairly harmless and only attack smaller creatures, but I wouldn't turn my back on one in the wild.

This... thing. I don't know what it is. It seems to be a block of wood with feet and a trunk. What? How did this even evolve? Is it even an animal, or some sort of plant? The trunks on their faces can extend several meters and have a powerful suction for gripping objects and presumably consuming food. I've never seen one eat, though. Maybe they really are photosynthetic? They've got no leaves, though. This one's a mystery to me. I don't like it.

Intelligent blobs of living molten matter. These things are only found in extremely hot areas. They consume prey by enveloping it into their body, and can grow pretty huge. I'd avoid them at all costs, unless you've got a hose. That would probably get rid of them pretty well.

These come in three flavors; Fuzzy, Evil, and Magic. They look like balls of filthy, shaggy hair, and are similar to McDonaldland's Fry Guys, only less delicious. It might not look it, but they actually have tiny arms under all that hair. The Magic variety uses these to hold onto sticks that they use to focus their spells. The Evil types are so called because of their horrible fangs; you don't want to get bit by one of those. The Fuzzies are mostly harmless, just step on them or something.

While most Walthros dinosaurs are similar to Earth's, this breed is... different. Their faces look as if they were repeatedly bashed in with a pan or something. Look at those eyes! This isn't supposed to be this way! These deformed beasts mostly stay underground, possibly because they're so ugly. I wouldn't show my face if I looked like this either.

The Big Ugly:
Yes, The Big Ugly. There's actually a creature on this planet that's called this by the natives. Ironically, there are way uglier monsters in Walthros (see above). They're basically a bipedal cross between an alligator and a duck, and can grow to over four meters in height. Their arms are limp, implying that they don't get used much. They attack using their bills and powerful tails instead.

A five-limbed blob that comes in a wide variety of colors. All five limbs are equally strong, and they can cartwheel around quickly when they want to. They usually don't, though. These fairly stupid creatures tend to move very little, and only grab prey as it passes by. They are masters of camoflague, but lack the gentle wisdom of Eath's octopus.

A mushroom whose cap resembles the face of a frog. Their spores are nauseating, and can make you extremely sick if you inhale them. If you eat one of these, you're probably going to die. Don't do it. It may look like a delicious frog, but it's not.

An unholy union of Yuk and duck. I only hope these were created in a laboratory somewhere and then escaped, because good lord does that combination make me feel ill. These billed snake things pop out of holes in the ground and can paralyze you with their poisonous bite. They are, suprisingly, delicious though.

Goodness! There are certainly a lot of strange and horrific creatures in this world. I'll be glad to get back to Earth. You can only live off of yuks and berries for so long before starting to get a powerful craving for a nice, meaty cow burger 

Join us next time, when we make a journey to the world of Wandering Hamster! Honestly, those hamsters look kind of like dogs to me, but who am I to judge? At least they look more like hamsters than these Walthros "fish" look like fish.