This part of my journey has perhaps been
even more horrifying than the last. Normally, my fellow scientists back
on Earth illustrate my reports for me, as my artistic skills are...
lacking. However, I do not think I want them to know what I saw here.
This journal is a record for myself, a reminder of this time spent in a
strange, other-worldly hell. I will illustrate it myself as best I can.
I opened that strange, free-standing door, and fell for what seemed
like forever. I tumbled past a strange waterfall; I saw strange
hieroglyphics engraved on a dark wall; I saw images of creatures both
strange and familiar. When I hit the bottom, all I could see was an
endless sea of green. No grass or trees here, but only a sickening,
gelatin-like earth. In the distance, three figures were engaged in
battle. One was a sort of monster bearing a great resemblance to the
pikachu, a type of space rat that feeds on electricity and is
considered a nuisance in many space stations. This one looked wrong,
somehow. Its shape was ganglier than usual, and its face looked
twisted. It reminded me of the mutated creatures that I saw in the last
world I visited.
Controlling this beast was what seemed to be a man with a head made
of... toast. I do not believe such a creature can exist, even with all
of the strange things I've seen. It spoke often, but its words were
unintelligible. Still, I thought it would be best to follow these
creatures. They exuded a certain confidence, in spite of their empty,
soulless stares. I kept myself out of their vision, though there were
times that they really should have been able to see me. I suspect their
vision was as impaired as their speech.
When I first saw them, these two were engaged in battle with what
looked like a great tower. It was several times the height of the
bread-man, and had an emblem painted onto its side that seemed to be a
stylized image of a mustachioed man with a bowtie. I suspect it was
some manner of mechanical defense drone. I admired the mustache
greatly. This drone was quickly disabled by the combined violence of
the rat and the bread-man. Their strikes were swift and brutal.
I followed the pair as they wandered away from the smoking remains of
the tower, and we approached a great, blue castle. Along the way, other
small monsters attacked. One was absolutely disgusting; it resembled a
living mound of sandwich meat. I suppose it was appropriate in a world
where bread could become sentient. Another common type of monster
resembled a humanoid face, similar to the ones I saw in the sky in that
last world, only this one appeared female. Again, the rat and the
bread-man killed mercilessly.
Outside of the castle I saw a man who certainly did not belong in this
world. He appeared to be a completely normal human, and his appearance
was a shock after the rest of the things I saw in this world. I could
not hear their conversation, and he vanished into thin air as soon as
it finished. Perhaps a magician of some sort. Perhaps my ticket home.
Inside the castle, the party was joined by a third member, a floating
orb which looked like the head of a cat. Its speech was as
unintelligible to me as the bread-man's, but the two of them seemed to
understand each other easily enough. I'd seen this type of
floating-head creature before; it reminded me of the legendary Woo that
was known to appear on Walthros from time to time. From what we know,
she was a member of a race of supreme beings that transcended time and
space, similar to the Q. Perhaps her continuum is the W. Anyway, this
cat seemed to be of the same form of life. I desperately wished I still
had my ship's energy scanner to diagnose this alien life form.
After recruiting this cat, this strange posse left the castle and
wandered another great, sickening green field. I saw a crashed
spaceship in the distance which, like the man outside of the castle,
clearly did not belong to this world. The bread-man murdered a blue
haired male and red haired female that appeared to be human and took
his soldiers onto the downed ship. I followed them in.
Guards attacked as these three made their way through the ship, but
were quickly eliminated. Whoever these monsters were, they were
powerful. The poor soldiers in this ship were able to offer almost no
resistance. In the darkest part of my heart, I thought that perhaps I
would be able to take control of this ship and use it to get home, but
I knew that I wouldn't stand any more of a chance against these killers
than the guards on board did. I continued to watch.
In the depths of the ship, a dog appeared that seemed to be of the same
type of life as the cat. I was starting to get horribly sick of seeing
floating heads. The three did battle with this dog, and then seemed to
come to some sort of mutual understanding. The battle ended and they,
along with the surviving crewmen, seemed to form some sort of alliance.
I was perplexed; the captain of this ship seemed willing to forgive the
bread-man for murdering dozens of his troops. They were clearly not
Before I knew it, the ship was taking off. Apparently it was not
damaged as heavily as I'd suspected. I hid in some sort of storage
area, happily devouring crew rations. I fed myself well. Meanwhile, I
could hear horrible noises coming from the bridge. I did not want to
imagine what was happening there. More violence, I assume.
The ship settled on the moon that orbited this planet. Thankfully, it
was inhabitable. We were all able to breathe on its surface with no
problem. In spite of better judgment, I followed the bread-man and his
three animal companions as they left the ship. Monsters similar to
those on the planet continued to attack, but again, offered no real
I followed them into a dark tunnel, where they encountered a strange
array of life. One, a human female with extravagant eyebrows, attempted
to halt their advance. She was killed brutally. I crouched over her
fallen body and wept; she was young, and was not made for battle. The
creatures I followed were not honorable warriors; they were monsters. I
had seen horrible acts committed by these four, and somehow, was
compelled to follow them still.
Their warpath continued. A long haired human male was killed. More of
those sandwich-meat monsters were butchered. Another massive robot,
this one, ironically, resembling a giant toaster, was destroyed
viciously by the cat spirit. There was chaos after this battle. A
strange, round man appeared, who clearly recognized and despised the
party of monsters. Who can blame him? There were flashes of light, and
the cat was gone. The bread, the dog, and the rat battled a woman in a
black suit. She was clearly some meant simply to be a distraction.
Perhaps the round man took the cat away; I couldn't tell.
Deeper in the tunnel, we found a wooded area. It was unlike anything
else I'd seen on this moon or its world, and was a welcome change. The
air smelled sweet and clean. Oddly colored cats and rabbit-eared
caterpillars roamed these grounds. Strange, tennis-ball shaped
creatures rolled happily in the meadows. One of them joined the monster
party. I felt safer than I had at any other time since I arrived in
In the depths of this forest, the bread-man found a sword. I suppose
this was what he had been looking for on his journey. But what's the
point? He's already an unstoppable killing machine. Is more weaponry
really necessary? After obtaining this item, he returned to the surface
and entered the space shuttle. I followed close behind.
On the way back to the Bread-man's homeworld, our ship was engaged in
combat with one of the strangest things I've ever seen. A massive man,
thousands of feet tall... bearing more than a striking resemblance to a
former United States president. With a deafening "ARROOO," he rained
destruction upon the land. While the bread and friends may have been
monsters, this giant was clearly an even deadlier creature.
Thankfully, a squadron of allied shuttlecrafts arrived and aided this
frail ship in its fight against this king among men. After the battle,
the Bread-man and the rat were reunited with the re-animated corpses of
several people that they had killed on their journey. I was in no mood
Also present was the cat spirit, only she seemed to have taken on a
lighter color. I have heard of such hair changes occurring when one is
under great stress. Poor girl. The strange magician that I first saw
outside of the blue castle when I had first arrived in this land was
also present. This man accompanied the loaf, the rat, and the cat into
some sort of dimensional vortex. I followed carefully, making sure I
wasn't spotted by any of the zombies.
I found myself in a strange place, outside of any dimension I was
familiar with. I stood upon a great glass roadway, suspended above an
impossibly deep abyss. I crawled slowly as I pursued the Bread-man; I
was not going to take any chance of falling off.
The pathway led inside a castle, filled with disturbing, round
man-statues and red tiled floor. Hideous and tacky. A woman, perhaps
the castle's queen, was slain by the Bread-man. I followed the party
down a stairwell and into a similarly tacky hall with blue tiles. There
were guards here, but they paid no attention to either the Bread-man or
myself. Perhaps they too were the living dead. The group defeated an
old man in this hall; likely the husband of the slain queen.
The next hallway was full of molten lava. It didn't suit my tastes at
all, but at least it wasn't so redundant. At the lowest point of this
hall, the Bread-man slew a great, fiery serpent and a young man. The
relationship between the two seemed similar to that between the
Bread-man and his rat. A shame; in another world, they could have been
friends. Perhaps lovers.
The next area was again a glassy roadway in space. It was inhabited by
massive versions of the monsters I first saw in the green land below;
piles of meat taller than houses towered before me, blubbering
incoherent songs of sorrow. Female faces wept in the sky. Strange
egg-like birds rolled around on and off of the platforms, some falling
for what seemed miles before rematerializing in the space above me. It
was a closed system. It was horrific. If this was the gateway between
worlds that it seemed to be, perhaps I could find a way home.
Tall, multicolored man-children wandered this land. A disembodied nose
drifted by. The Bread-man took shots at it from afar. At the end of a
great crystalline stairway, I found the Bread and his allies locked in
mortal combat with the strange, round man who had appeared earlier,
before the cat spirit had disappeared. It was also his image that was
carved in stone in that gaudy castle. This was what the journey was all
about; vengeance. I wasn't sure what exactly the Round-man had done to
the Bread-man, as their speech was still incomprehensible to me, but
the two were clearly long-time enemies. I saw nothing but hate in their
otherwise dead eyes.
I saw greats flashes of light as the enemies clashes. The Round-man
changed forms, growing sick, spindly legs. The Bread-man began to mold,
growing a soft, yellow filth around his head. I watched in sickened
horror as they mutilated each other, until, in one final burst of
light, they were all gone, and I was left alone.
The crystalline world was now cold and empty. I saw nowhere to go. I
sat for a long time, when eventually I heard a light chuckle and the
sound of footsteps approaching me. I turned to face the newcomer, and
felt the chill of death upon me.
I recognized him. He was the figure that I caught a brief glimpse of by
the doorway that led me from the last strange, headache world I
wandered to this one, this land of living bread and casual killing. He
tipped his gray hat to me, stroked his short, scruffy white beard, and
sat beside me.
"Good day, my friend. Did you enjoy the show?"
I was pleased to finally find someone who spoke a language I could
understand, but that didn't reduce the suffocating fear that I felt as
this man approached me. This gray cloak swirled around him. He was pure
menace and wisdom.
"Show?" I asked.
"The death, good Horace! You happily followed the Housemaster as he
laid waste to hundreds of innocents. You must have been having a good
time, or else why would you continue to watch with such rapt
attention?" He sneered. His teeth were a corpse's teeth.
I didn't know how to respond at first. I shrunk back, and returned,
"I'm a scientist, not a warrior. I couldn't have intervened."
"Ha! I think you'd have found that the creatures of this world are a
lot more frail than they appear. Even you, my dear portly friend, would
have been able to put up a good fight. And yet, you didn't even try.
You stood there as blood flowed in rivers. This is your science, then?
A lot of good you've done the world."
What scared me the most was that he was right. I had stood by idly. I
had watched the Bread-man kill hundreds, and never ran away or tried to
help. I did treat it as a show. Was I any better than this monster?
"I... just want to go home." I had to be honest.
The gray man laughed hard, and placed his hard on my shoulder. It was
as cold as ice. "Horace, Horace, Horace. What will you do when you get
home? Continue writing your little "Monsterologies?" Continue to
observe the loss of life as an impartial party? You'll never be a hero
or a villain, you've resigned yourself to a pointless mediocrity. But
you wish to keep writing nonetheless, don't you? Very well."
He flashed one last smile, and shoved me from the platform at the top of the crystal staircase. I fell away into eternity.