That’s Incredi-Terrible!
A Review Blitz by Pepsi Ranger

Every year since 2004, the OHR community has been assaulted by an instigator of mediocrity, an abomination of game design, a gathering of awfulness that can only be described as “Bleck.” The Horrible Games Contest, born out of the rebellion of one Gilbert Smith to slap the face of all who tried to make a serious contest (and I think out of a direct slap at the heroists for the shoddy rules defining the Human Day Contest), invited authors to make the worst games imaginable, and to do it with total disregard to decency.

The following year, Gilbert went into hiding and Fenrir-Lunaris took the reigns as host, and the event mutated into what we now call the “Terrible Games Contest.”

Like any good contest, the Terrible Games Contest has evolved from its original form, becoming something that it was never made to be. Certain community members described it best as a “Silly Games Contest” or a “Ridiculous Games Contest.” But most agree that it is no longer a “Terrible Games Contest.” In fact, the only element it retains from its 2004 predecessor is its April start date (and even that was broken one year).

And because the nature of the contest has evolved, that means the demand for playable games has grown. Long gone is the tolerance for eyesores like Final Fantasi XXX. Players want quality in their Terrible Games. They want playability and eye candy. And they want Bob the Hamster and Village People, for crying out loud.

In the year 2009, a new crop of Terrible Games befell the OHR Community. And these Terrible Games met the demands of the public. Players of the OHR now have quality. Now they have eye candy. And gosh darnit, they even have Bob the Hamster and Village People.

So now that we’ve been formally introduced to the contest, let’s meet the games. These will be presented in “Worst to Best” format, according to my own tastes. I suspect the order will differ from the opinions of readers, especially from those who had contest entries. But if anyone else is that vocal about it, he could’ve written his own review blitz.

Now then,

The Games:

Moron Mission
by Ruroni Catholic



They say dogs return to their own vomit. But I’m pretty sure that Freki won’t want to return to what Rurouni Catholic regurgitated and spilled onto the floor.

To call this game a game would be like calling a haiku a dissertation. There is no gameplay short of wandering around and talking to anapomorphic dogs, and there’s no art as Rurouni Catholic didn’t even draw these anapomorphic dogs but instead ripped them from Vikings of Midgard.

Of course, everything in this game is ripped from Vikings of Midgard, except for maybe the game design and the intelligence.


Terrible game? Yes. Sort of. It’s more like a terrible waste of time. The word “game” is giving it too much credit. It’s like expressionism gone horribly wrong.

I don’t recommend touching it, much less playing it. It may rob you of your ability to discern clarity and cohesion.


Moron Mission’s Thought of the Day:

If you journey outside your comfort zone, make sure to wear a bag over your head.”

Moron Mission’s Yearbook Quote:

Thanks for not sneezing on me in class.”

Rank: 9th place

Babies vs. Robots
by Spoonweaver


In the future, man will be hunted by machine. Metal hulks known as Terminators will rise up and rebel against mankind, destroying it without emotion, butchering the world once populated with flesh and bone.

And, as Babies vs. Robots proves, the battle between man and machines has no age requirement.


In this game, you must command your platoon of babies into the endless hordes of toaster-type Terminators (the T-1/2, maybe?), and engage them in a fight to the death (giving them an incredibly short life span) until one brave hero can take the robot base and shove a pacifier into the mouth of production. Once that baby hero reaches the goal, the game ends.

So, in short, the game is short. But it speaks of untold heroism as soldiers straight out of the womb can shed patriotic blood like the rest of us and be rewarded with points for their sacrifice.

The play control is pretty lousy, though. They only move in straight lines and don’t know how to navigate around walls. For as brave as they are, the babies are pretty stupid. Mankind is in trouble.


Babies vs. Robots’s Thought of the Day:

You’re only as tough as your exterior. Which means robots will slaughter mankind should a war ever break out between us.”

Babies vs. Robots’s Yearbook Quote:

Were you the one who fell asleep in metal shop?”

Rank: 8th place

<3
by TwinHamster



I must admit I have no idea how to describe this game. I suppose I could write this segment of the review in haiku, but ironically, writing it out in plain prose is the unique thing here. And that says something about not only the design of the game, but its reception, too.

While I don’t quite know how to pronounce this game, the game file is spelled out “RAVU,” so I guess we can call this “Ravu” for reference.


Ravu is essentially a game about collecting so much love that it becomes overwhelming, so much that love can no longer be shared. It’s sort of like the campaign for contentment and a morality lesson that no one can ever be happy once they have it all.

It’s actually very clever in its expression, and one of those games we like to call “ambient.” It tells a story in haiku, blitzes your eyes with wild colors and chaotic gameplay, and still gets you thinking whether playing it left you satisfied. I think it’s safe to say that there’s nothing else like it on the OHR.

And there’s nothing else to do in the game, either. Once your minute of love collection is over, there’s not much point in playing it again (unless you need a screenshot for this article).

Things That Ravu Inspire:

Ragu, raves and viruses.

Ravu’s Thought of the Day:

Love is an arena best fought with a vacuum cleaner.”

Ravu’s Yearbook Quote:

Stay sweet, don’t ever change.”

Rank: 7th place

Techno Ship Funkatron
By Spoonweaver


When you’re lost in space, there isn’t much to do.

But dance!

And how better to spend your dancing time than to dance to the beat of “Venus in Uranus?”

Okay, well, despite the many tangents I could take about song choice, lessons learned, etc., this blitz is still about reviewing games, so I’m just gonna cut to the chase and mention the things that make this game shine.

(crickets chirping)

Let me start over. Techno Ship Funkatron is about hitting directional keys rhythmically. It’s about hitting awkwardly placed letter keys (because they’re supposed to spell out the theme of the game) in an effort to beat your high score. And it’s about lost spaceship crewmen getting bored with space travel because they’re lonely from a lack of women onboard.

It’s essentially about sodomy. But with a beat.


Techno Ship Funkatron’s Thought of the Day:

If you feel something poking you from behind, pray that it’s a funky fresh dagger aiming for your back.”

Techno Ship Funkatron’s Yearbook Quote:

My favorite memory of you is of when you dropped the soap after gym class. That was funny.”

Rank: 6th place

The Pope’s War on Science
By 8bit


When the Pope receives an important phone call, he discovers that Science is invading the Vatican. And it’s his charge to confront the invaders with full force. As he sets forth, armed with a Bible and a long list of plagues, Pope Baginas XII proves that you don’t “F” with the Pope.

In the tradition of I Made Dis, Pope Baginas XII leaves his office overpowered and invincible. And while the science-themed trespassers like Periodic Tables and Carbon Dated Fossils refuse to fight back, the Pope shows that he can dish it out like Elvis, obliterating his foes with a single thump of the Bible. He’s basically the papal version of an ‘80s anti-hero like Snake Plisskin (from Escape from New York) or Dirty Harry.

There are several games in the 2009 Terrible Game Contest that could be considered controversial. Well, most of them probably could—I mean, despite the extreme homo-eroticism in one game and the touchy themes expressed in another (coming up on the list), you also have a game where babies die in droves. We’re not dealing with nice entries this year. And this game fits comfortably on that list with its blatant sacrilegious overtones. But is it offensive?

I think this game, among several other TGC entries, proves that sometimes you just have numb your senses and take things as they are. And in this case, you have to just sit down, hold that SPACEBAR and go to town.

In the end, you might have a little bit of fun dropping a plague of frogs onto your Darwinist enemies. And the music is toe-tapping (so much that it drew me to recruit 8bit as the official composer of my latest game’s score).

Things That The Pope’s War on Science Inspire:

Smashing test tubes, anarchy at the museum, and a weekend of Tom Hanks and Ben Stiller movies.

People Who Might Enjoy The Pope’s War on Science:

The Pope.

The Pope’s War on Science’s Thought of the Day:

Is Scientology a religion or a science?”

The Pope’s War on Science’s Yearbook Quote:

The problem with a frog plague is that we’d still have to dissect them all in science class.”

Rank: 5th place

A Shot in the Dark
By Uncommon


I don’t think this game did particularly well on the overall standings, but I must admit I appreciated the idea behind it more than I did most of the other entries. It’s sort of like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” without the hope of having a happy ending.

The game works like this: You’re given a scenario and two buttons to choose. Depending on which button you press, you can either grant someone great fortune or ruin his life. It’s sort of like how CEOs of major corporations operate (with the exception that sometimes you do press the “happy” button). Once you decide someone’s fate, you’re given another scenario and another until you’ve cycled through all ten.

For a short game, A Shot in the Dark does a pretty good job painting a psychological portrait of life, and can toy with one’s emotions in the meantime. I think James Paige’s initial response videos proved in real time how quickly a game like this could floor you if you’re not ready.

Is it fun? Depends on why you’re playing it. It lacks a real scoring system, or any type of cumulative reward. But it can offer a few laughs if you get a “happy” ending or are completely sick in the head. And it might also teach you a thing or two about life if you’re the type who doesn’t work or ever leaves the house.

People Who Might Enjoy A Shot in the Dark:

Tyrants, superheroes and nihilists.

A Shot in the Dark’s Thought of the Day:

Even when you think you’re in control, someone else can flip a coin and then flip you off.”

A Shot in the Dark’s Yearbook Quote:

-Message omitted because the signer walked off with the yearbook-

Rank: 4th place

Bob the Hamster in The Crypt of Baconthulhu
By James Paige

Contests come and contests go, but none have ever met this challenge: to attract James Paige himself as a contestant.

And this is his entry. A Bob the Hamster game. Full of bacon.

Lots of bacon.

So much...bacon.

And it plays like Pac-Man.

Here’s the story: Bob and his friends are having a picnic. And then Bob’s arteries clog and the next thing he knows, he’s spiraling into this surreal world (likely a cause of lack of oxygen to the brain), and he must personally remove the fatty acids from his arteries to return to the land of the conscious (he’s actually collecting coins, but they sure look a lot like fat cells).

But he can’t do it without some keen navigational skills through a “fog of war” and some fancy fisticuffs against rampaging critters that want to eat him for dinner (and ultimately clog their own arteries with greasy hamster meat). And with the dungeon constantly growing, it would seem his mission is never ending.

But it must end if he wants to get back to his picnic with Misa and the others.

Since I believe there is or will be a lengthier review by someone else, I’m gonna summarize this review by saying this game is pure action and a handful of luck. It’s also one of the few entries that legitimately looks nice, has spooky music, and keeps the player’s heart thumping as there’s no telling what lurks behind the next corner (because the fog of war is that effective). And the intermixing of RPG elements make this a lot of fun. The only reason it doesn’t make second place is purely out of story taste.

Definitely deserves to be in the Top 3.

Things That Baconthulhu Inspire:

Cholesterol checks, bloodmobiles, and liposuction.

People Who Might Enjoy Baconthulhu:

Dogs, hamsters and frequent visitors of the Waffle House.

Baconthulhu’s Thought of the Day:

Is it really okay to eat just one more strip of bacon?”

Baconthulhu’s Yearbook Quote:

I wasn’t purring at you. I was sizzling. Big difference.”

Rank: 3rd place

Timestream Saga: Arcadia Incident Report
By Fenrir-Lunaris

Next, we have an update to one of last year’s 8-Bit Contest entries: the 16-bit version of Timestream Saga: Arcadia Incident Report.

And I have to say I really enjoyed this version. While the map presentation was passable and the gameplay decent, the mood is probably what pushed me over the edge. It reminded me of the best war movies I’ve seen in recent times, with the characters having distinct personalities (not just sprites) and the music giving off this sweaty, miserable vibe. While I’m not gonna make some ridiculous comment about how I felt like I was really there in the camps with them, I will say that this was the first time in awhile that I cared enough about what was going on to actually resist cutting the game off after ten minutes.

So this was enjoyable for me.

Now, why should this be enjoyable for you? Well, because it sounds great, looks great, and doesn’t involve that overused menu-based battle system. Is it buggy? Yes. Is it complete? No. In fact, I had to turn the game off anyway because I ran out of things to do (I made it as far as the underground library, so if there was any gameplay after that, I didn’t find it). But the ride getting there was an hour worth spending, I thought.

Now I’m ending the mini-review here because I think this is one of the games slated for a bigger review elsewhere. But my summation is that this is worth playing.

Sorry this review wasn’t funny. But then, war isn’t funny.

Timestream Saga: Arcadia Incident Report’s Thought of the Day:

In the future, will we all be as dogs?”

Timestream Saga: Arcadia Incident Report’s Yearbook Quote:

You reminded me of that scene in Caddyshack when Bill Murray was ogling the old ladies. ‘Bark like a dog.’”

Rank: 2nd place

Village People: The Video Game
By Paul Harrington

And finally we have the star of the Terrible Games Contest—the game that received the most hype and had (if the author had voted for his own game like everyone else) the most votes. It’s the game that gives the pertinent advice: “Young man, there’s no need to feel down.”

Yes, it’s a game not only about brotherly love, but about having a good time. And thus it makes sense that the hero of our story, Police Chief, feels down when his brothers vanish. But never fear, he will search to the ends of San Francisco and beyond to find them, and he will make darn sure to have a good time in the meantime.

He will explore the YMCA. He will speak with ducks. He will search trashcans and steal cars. He will do whatever he must to find those he considers comrades. And he’ll do it with style, baby.

Actually, I don’t want to get too deep in review mode here, because there’s another review already posted this month. But I will say that the game captures PH's unique Walthrosian art style perfectly and it does a nice job tying itself into the Surlaw Armageddon story line. And battles have that same tolerable mix of random battle SPACEBAR-mashing and boss battles that force you to think.

But the music, naturally, is what makes this game what it is. It’s basically the RPG tribute video to the Village People’s anthology of classics. It actually goes a step beyond MTV, VH1, and other related visual media because you don’t have to watch the performance. You can play it. And you don’t need a fake guitar to do it. And it comes with a story. And there are ducks. And it’s an all around good time.

Hopefully Surlaw will finish it.

Village People: The Video Game’s Thought of the Day:

If you dress to impress, you might find yourself on an album cover someday.”

Village People: The Video Game’s Yearbook Quote:

Why waste your time at the gym when you could’ve spent class time at the YMCA, baby?”

Rank: 1st place

Challenger Approaching:

Too Terrible!

By Gizmog and SDHawk

And this challenger should’ve stayed home.

True to the spirit of the original Horrible Games Contest, this game is about little and gives us less. It’s basically an incredibly slow showdown between a smurf and a family of crabs. And while this may contain some hidden social commentary about smurfs and hygiene, it doesn’t really amount to anything memorable.

And thus, it’s probably good that it isn’t ranked because it wouldn’t rank very well.

It’s got nice battle music, though. And like Village People: The Video Game, it has access to a duck. So it’s not a total wash.

Rank: unranked

So there you go. Another review blitz in the archives. Take this moment to savor it, because it may be awhile until the next one surfaces (unless I put one together for the 2009 8-Bit Contest, in which case you’d only need to wait a month).

Thanks for playing.