Ask Surlaw
A Feature by Paul Harrington, with contributions from the OHR Community

Good evening, gentlemen! Tonight, we have with us Bob Surlaw, star of such games as Walthros, Gato Sucio, and Surlaw Armageddon, seen most recently on the hit reality television/internet show/game OHR House Heroes. For the first time, he's ready to open up and give us a one-hundred percent raw, uncensored interview! Straight from the fish's lips, or whatever forms the outer parts of his mouth flaps. The questions for Mr. Bob the Surlaw come from various members of the OHR community. Let's get this party started!


 Bob Surlaw:
What up, clown shoes?
Sock Rabbit:
Good afternoon or morning Mr. Surlaw, the less famous of the two big OHR Bobs. You've grown more slovenly since the last time I saw you. I would ridicule the obvious laziness that drips from your gills, but I am not here for that. I am here to ask you questions, to, as the editor notes, "get this party started." My hard hitting questions will inspire others to jump in and violently interrogate you as well! Why aren't you looking at me? Why are your eyes pointing in different directions?
Bob Surlaw:
Sock Rabbit:
...
Bob Surlaw:
Sock Rabbit:
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Bob Surlaw:
Sock Rabbit:
...
Bob Surlaw:
:)
Sock Rabbit:
Disgusting. Surlaw, what was your first mission?
Bob Surlaw:
To seek out new colors and new shades of existent colors.
Sock Rabbit:
Good job! I thank you for this, I wouldn't like a monochrome world. I like green.
Bob Surlaw:
Haha, me too! Oddly enough, I'm yellow!
Sock Rabbit:
That is odd! Why did you choose yellow, of all colors, for your flesh?
Bob Surlaw:
Seemed like the right thing to do, didn't want to hog all the cool colors. ALTRUISM!
Sock Rabbit:
That's very Jesus-y of you. Have you ever been compared to a Jesus before?
Bob Surlaw:
Not that I know of, but anything's possible!
Sock Rabbit:
Anything?
Bob Surlaw:
Anything.
Sock Rabbit:
You mean it's possible that the remake of your first publicly released video game will be released this year?
Bob Surlaw:
Well... not anything, I guess. I damn you, you have shattered my illusions.
Sock Rabbit:
I'm sorry! How about that Village People game? How's that looking?
Bob Surlaw:
I hear my boss wants THAT one done this year. No idea if he's up to it!
Sock Rabbit:
Doubtful.

Things are going smoothly. Time to pass this off to another contributor.
Sock Walrus:
Let's make this quick. These tusks make my face itch.
Bob Surlaw:
They're lovely.
Sock Walrus:
I don't care, thank you. What's it like to have no digits?
Bob Surlaw:
Miserable.
Sock Walrus:
What's it like to have such a wide mouth?
Bob Surlaw:
Useful.
Sock Walrus:
What's it like to be seen wearing such a shoddy cape?
Bob Surlaw:
My fashion is my own.
Sock Walrus:
What the hell? Someone's at the door. I'll get it.
Mr. 8-Bit:
Is your cape strictly for fashion or does it endow you with any special abilities? What type of fabric is it made of? If you were making a videogame set on an island and you needed some names for enemies, what would they be?
Bob Surlaw:
It keeps me safe from the elements, but it is also a fashion statement. In a world of shirts and pants, the cape is the ultimate in freedom! The cape is made of a blend of plastic and seal hair. It makes some of my friends a little uncomfortable, but don't worry! No seals were harmed in its making. The hair taken was hair that they molted naturally.

Crabubbler, Spineapple, Molted Lava (the pelt of a lava monster), The Scurve.
Mr. 8-Bit:
If you were to choose your own nickname (ie. Randy 'The Ram' Robinson) what would it be?
Bob Surlaw:
Bobblin "The Wobbler" Surlaw is what I'd choose. Bet you didn't know what my first name was short for!
Mr. 8-Bit:
I did not know that.

How goes the whole archeology thing? Find any old crap lately?
Bobblin "The Wobbler" Surlaw:
I found this strange tome titled "Sky Flyers." It seems to contain rough drawings of myself and my friends on a variety of adventures, but a lot of the details are all wrong! Not only that, but it's drawn in pencil! Badly! Perhaps I'll show it to you some time. Its origin is a mystery. I place it somewhere in the realm of 17 Earth Years old.
Mr. 8-Bit:
Have you ever considered doing any modeling work? You definitely have the jaw-line for it.
Bobblin Surlaw:
I would love to model for official Bobblin of Surlaw action figures, but apparently I'm a negative role model for children, what with my altruistic attitude and hatred of selfishness.
Sock Rabbit:
I'm back. Some other people followed me into the room too. I guess someone's curious about your mouth garbage after all.
Uncommon:
Regarding the protective nature of your cape... Elements like cold and rain and weather, or elements like fire, earth, such-like? Or even elements like sodium, hydrogen, nitrogen?
Bob Surlaw:
All of the above! Of course, due to my fishy nature, I seem to always take heavy damage from electric attacks, even when I wear a rubber variant of the cape. Such is the life of a fish.
Moogle I:
How do you respond to allegations of dualism?
Bob Surlaw:
I believe that there comes a time when duels are necessary. In my many adventures, I have fought and killed countless enemies. Their cries haunt my sleep every night, and I don't think I'll ever forget them, but it was worth it in order to save all existence. Wait, is this what you meant?
Moogle 1:
In his all-too-brief run as a chef, Super Walrus Man slew and cooked many of your brethren to serve as ingredients for his dishes. How do you feel about the use of your species as food?
Bob Surlaw:
We haven't spoken since then. I filed a complaint with the War of the Food Commission years ago, and never received a response. This heinous act should never be forgotten, and Walrus Man should be in jail. I at least take comfort in the fact that the judges found these dishes repugnant.
Moogle One:
You've come face-to-face with Grimace at several points in your travels. We all know the man-thing we've seen on TV, but what's he/it like in person?
Bob Surlaw:
He's ravenous, greedy, and mean, but he turns out a hell of a performance. There's no point telling him what to do; he does as he pleases where and when he wants, but when he gets in the zone, you're in for a better performance than any living actor today. Would I work with him again? Doubtful, but I'll never say never.
Red Maverick Zero:
Who was your favorite house mate, and why, on OHR House: Heroes?
Bob Surlaw:
Is it wrong to say "myself?" Because while the camera definitely added about ten pounds to my already rotund figure, I was proud of what I did on that show. If I had to choose someone else, I'd choose Bob of Hamster, because he was one of the few who never beat me or yelled at me.
Sock Rabbit:
Something seems to have attached itself to my brain. Please call an ambulance and then get out of my house, all of you. May God bless you, follow The Prophets, watch out for narwhal. Bye.

That's all! Get out of here! Maybe someone else will answer questions next time, or maybe Bobblin will be back. Who knows? Who cares? Let us know on the HamsterSpeak forums!