Ask Surlaw
A Feature by Paul Harrington, with contributions from the OHR Community

Welcome home. On the last installment of Ask Surlaw, Bob Surlaw, star of such games as Walthros, Gato Sucio, and Surlaw Armageddon, was accused of the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris at a house party on October 31, 2009. Bob is currently sitting in the county jail, waiting for his trial. He is considered too dangerous to be allowed to roam free in the meantime. To pass the time between now and the trial, some of Bob's friends have sent him letters. Let's take a look at them! The questions for Mr. Bob the Surlaw come from various members of the OHR community.

Bob Surlaw:
Ah, another beautiful day! The sun's shining, the breeze is sweet, and I'm full of beans! Good morning, America!
Bob Surlaw:
What the-?!
Bob Surlaw:
Oh. Right. I'm in jail, and my cellmate's that tapir. How's the day treatin' you, tapir?


Bob Surlaw:
Oh, grow up.
Police Chief:
Hey, Bob. How you holdin' up?
Bob Surlaw:
Police Chief! Are you here to let me free? I can't take another day in this place! My cellmate's words and odor are foul beyond description!
Police Chief:
Sorry, but the law's the law. You're the number one suspect in Mr. Lunaris's murder, and I know you're probably innocent, maybe, but you've got to sit tight until the trial. Don't worry, I'm following up on every lead. The truth will come out. In the mean time, I brought you some letters from your friends. Here you go, big guy.

Dear Surlaw,
I'm sorry you're in the big house. Is it bigger than your regular house? Also, remember to watch our for soft-shoed shufflers. While you are waiting, I was wondering: do you lay eggs?

Thank you,
The Queen of All Cosmos

Bob Surlaw:
Hey, this gives me something to do! Hooray! I'll answer letters from my adoring public!
To Her Royal Majesty,
The big house is an unfortunate misnomer. Prison is cramped, the food is bad, and the company is worse. It's not the glamorous, 24 hour party that television makes it look like. I'm forced to go to sleep by nine, I had to leave my massive collection of deadly weapons at home, and the only thing keeping me sane is my innate ability to do long division in my head. I'm living with a tapir and I think he has lice.

I do not lay eggs, but boy do I love to eat them! It might be a little weird to enjoy consuming something produced by your own body. If I did lay eggs, I would probably eat them less often than I do now, and would feel guilty about every scramble.

Please use your divine intervention to get me out of jail.

Boblonious T. Surlaw
Bob Surlaw:
God, could I go for some eggs right about now.

Hey, Funk Master B, how's prison treating you? Are you making lots of friends? Just remember, if you start feeling down, even Batman had to go to jail once.

I'm writing in this month because my life's been dull lately and I can't find that skip in my step. What do you do to maintain your masterful funk, and how can I apply it to my life?


To Mr. Hard to Find,
Aside from my stank cellmate, the people here haven't been too terrible. I met an old man who mumbled at me for over an hour, and he didn't once complain about my puns or my wordy responses! No one here complains about my altruistic attitude or plans the destruction of the human race. The worst monsters are outside of the prison, not within. The lack of freedom sucks pretty badly though.

The key to maintaining a groove to end all grooves is fashion and confidence, and if you've got one of those, the other often follows. Super convenient!! Anyway, here's my advice to you; grow out an afro, get some ruby lens sunglasses, and get a gold cap on at least one tooth. These are the things I would be doing were I not festering in prison at the moment. Choose life and live.

Forever Young,

Attn. Mr. Bob Surlaw;

Do you have representation?

The Law Offices of Attorney Adam P. Moogle

To Fancy Attorney Guy,

Indeed I do! My good friend Scottie has agreed to fight for my right to party in the arena of the law. Best of all, he's doing it for free! He received his law degree from the internet law website back in July, and this will be his first real trial. In this economy, it's hard for lawyers to find work or something, because everyone has become peaceful and no one files lawsuits any more, according to him. So, it's on to criminal defense for Mr. Scott! I've got it made.

Stay Golden,
Bobby S.

Dear Surlaw,

Sorry to hear about your whole "going to jail" thing. Killing people is bad, and you should have known that. But I was wondering... Since you don't know how long you'll be gone, can I chill at your house until you're done? I mean, someone needs to be eating your food or else it'll go stale, that and your video games need attention.


To Robot with Parasite on Head,

Thanks for your concern, but there's no need to worry! I had an agreement with my neighbor to take care of my possessions in case I ever mysteriously vanished, and I ravenously devoured every last morsel of food as the cops dragged me off kicking and screaming. The only thing I'm worried about going stale is this terribly dated jail-house fashion. Black and white stripes? For real? That went out in the 50's, baby! Anyway, that thing on your head looks like it's rotting. You shouldn't have included a picture of it in your letter. Sick, dude. You need to have it checked out by a doctor before you end up a zombie.

For Mother Russia,
Bobinski Surlavich

p.s. I didn't kill anyone, they have the wrong man.

Dear Surlaw,

It pains me to hear that your life has taken such a turn for the worse. Just remember, God will always forgive you, even when your executioners will not. That being said, do they still allow you to wear your cape in jail? If not, could you send it my way? My vestments are getting a little ratty.

God Bless,
8bit Pontiff

To His Holiness,

Sadly, my cape was taken from me and is being held as evidence. The police claim that it could have been used to conceal the murder weapon, if it was in fact me that committed that heinous act (it wasn't, and you can't lie to a pope, so this letter is proof of my innocence). I would donate it in your name in a second if I had the authority to. Perhaps you can use your divine intervention to get it back from the cops? Or, you know, to get me out of jail. That would rule.

Peace Be With You,
And Also With You

Hey buddy, sorry to hear you murdered someone in cold blood. Just writing to let you know you still owe me 5 bucks. Just make sure to leave it in your will when they gas you.

Have a good time, murderer.


To Vile Gangster,

You are cruel for placing money over friendship. Who was it that got you through the hard times, when your hair started to fall out? Who was it that taught you how to properly use mustache wax? It was me. The Surlaw. And this is how you repay me? There is only one type of gas that will be anywhere near my body. I'll send you a picture of it.

Beware of Darkness,
Bobblin T. Wobbler

Dear Bobbin,
Sorry about stabbing your friend! I was trying to kill the fleas. This is almost as embarrassing as the time I shot Bob the Hamster.
Oh wait, neither of those were me, were they?

Bob Surlaw:
Bob Surlaw:
Bob Surlaw:
Bob Surlaw:
Bob Surlaw:
He spelled my name wrong!

And so, Bob Surlaw sits in jail awaiting his trial date. A bevy of character witnesses will be called to the stand to vouch for or against this wobbly yellow hoodlum. Will it be enough to sway the decision of the ever brutal Judge Slimehold? Find out next month on Ask Surlaw! If you would like to be one of his character witnesses, send us an e-mail and await further details.