Ask Surlaw
A Feature by Paul Harrington, with contributions from the OHR Community

Welcome home. On the last installment of Ask Surlaw, Bob Surlaw, star of such games as Walthros, Gato Sucio, and Surlaw Armageddon, was arrested for the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris at a house party on October 31, 2009. Bob spent the last two months sitting in the county jail, waiting for his trial, passing the time answering letters sent by his friends. The trial has finally come, and Bob's fate is in your hands.


 Bob Surlaw:
Man, this suit's great. Thanks for letting me borrow it, bro.
Scottie:
No prob, man. Once I win this case, I'm going to get so many babes it's not even funny.
Bob Surlaw:
I believe in you! Prove I'm innocent and save my life! Also, thanks for doing this for free.
Scottie:
Money ain't no thing to me, baby.

Police Chief:
All rise! The honorable Judge Slimehold presiding.

Judge Slimehold:
WOBBLE WOBBLE
Bob Surlaw:
I don't like the sound of that...
Scottie:
Don't sweat, I bet it's just some bad gas.
Judge Slimehold:
Git to 'splainin' the case. AIN'T GOT ALL DAY.
Sock Prosecutor:
Ladies and gentlemen, the fish you see before you, Mr. Bobblin W. Surlaw, was arrested on October 31, 2009 for the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris. The murder took place at a house party, and illegal substances may have been involved. Witnesses at the scene reported a mass confusion shortly before the murder took place, and while there are many versions of the story floating around, one fact remains the same throughout all of them; Mr. Surlaw was the last person to see Mr. Lunaris on the night of the murder, and was in fact in close proximity to the man when a knife suddenly appeared in his back. We know that none of the party guests were expert knife throwers, so the only logical conclusion is that Mr. Surlaw himself killed Mr. Lunaris.
Scottie:
That's all you got? You can't even produce the knife. If Bobby here iced Fen, his scales would be all over the weapon.
Sock Prosecutor:
It is true that the murder weapon was not recovered, and that it is possible that Mr. Surlaw had an accomplice who would clean up the scene after the brutal act. However, I believe I can prove conclusively to the court that Mr. Surlaw is a menace to society and must be put away for good. I have gathered today a number of character witnesses whose testimony will prove that this fish has gone rotten.
Scottie:
Yeah right. Gonna go get a malt, hang in there BS. Don't let this sucka get you down.
Bob Surlaw:
Wait, what? Come back!
Judge Slimehold:
QUIT THAT, BOY. Accused don't speak.
Bob Surlaw:
:(
Police Chief:
The 8-Bit Pontiff is called to the stand.
Mr. 8-Bit:
I swear to tell the whole truth so help me God.
Sock Prosecutor:
So, you're the pope of the Church of the Eight Bits. Explain to the courtroom the details of your "religion."
Mr. 8-Bit:
I don't like those quotes you put around the word "religion."  Sure, our beliefs are a little bit different than other accepted religions but that doesn't make them any less valid.  See, we have eight Planes of Growth that our followers travel through.  In order to walk a specific Plane, you must first purchase the Holy Travel Guide for that specific Plane.  The fee for each guide varies based upon the level you wish to traverse.  Without the Guide, your soul will surely be lost, doomed to forever wander the Plane it is in at the present moment.  By working their way through the Planes, believers attain enlightenment.  There is only one soul who has traversed all eight Planes so far.  You're looking at him.
Sock Prosecutor:
It has come to the court's attention that Mr. Surlaw is a member of this church. When did he join, and which "level" has he reached?
Mr. 8-Bit:
I'm sorry. It is against Church Law for me to reveal the private personal information of one of our members.  Let's just say that Mr. Surlaw is EXTREMELY enlightened.
Sock Prosecutor:
So, Mr. Surlaw's involvement in this pyramid scheme runs deep. Tell us, have you ever ordered Mr. Surlaw to commit any immoral acts in the name of this church? Say, MURDER?
Mr. 8-Bit:
Heavens NO!  Our church is as pure as the driven snow!  The only "scheme" I see here, sir, is an over-zealous prosecutor's scheme of trying to make a name for himself by lambasting an innocent fish-man and his chosen religion.
Sock Prosecutor:
Really? I happen to have testimony from one Mr. Dinosaur M. Giant, stating that upon trying to leave your church, his family
was threatened and his knees were attacked by "blessed" golf clubs. Being a dinosaur of enormous girth, Mr. Giant emerged unharmed, but this is clear evidence that yours is a church of violence.
Mr. 8-Bit:
Those allegations are 100% FALSE.  In fact, it was scientifically proven that Mr. Dinosaur M. Giant's body is so large and his brain is so tiny that even if his knees were attacked by blessed golf clubs, and I assure you that they were NOT, by the time the pain impulses traveled from his obese knees to his peanut-sized brain they would have fully dissipated.  I further submit that I find it abhorrent that the prosecution would try to manipulate a mentally challenged dinosaur to testify against my beloved church.
Sock Prosecutor:
I'm afraid I have dozens of witnesses to both your church's crime and to the fact that Mr. Giant cried one long, massive
tear after being struck. If this act was committed by a rogue faction of your church, your refusal to condemn them speaks volumes, and it shows just what kind of organization Mr. Surlaw has been indoctrinated in. No further questions.
Scottie:
What up, I miss anything good?
Bob Surlaw:
I'm ruined.
Police Chief:
The court calls Mr. Uncommon to the stand.
Scottie:
Hey, nice hat. Where'd you get it?
Sock Prosecutor:
A good question. We know all about your criminal history Mr. "Uncommon." You're a notorious crimelord, with more than a hundred villainous men at your disposal. So, who'd you steal the hat from?
Uncommon:
I found it on the street, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying! You'll never find any witnesses.
Scottie:
That's how I got mine too. It had boll weevils in it.
Sock Prosecutor:
Disgusting, and a likely story. We all know that the witness is involved in organized crime, and his friendship with Mr. Surlaw raises important questions. Tell me, Mr. Uncommon, where it was that you first met the accused?
Uncommon:
He was under the hat.
Sock Prosecutor:
Ah, so you met Mr. Surlaw during his vagrant period. Did Mr. Surlaw explain to you why he was living on the streets at the time?
Uncommon:
He did not mention how he got where he was, only where he intended to go from there.  I bought him breakfast and sent him on his way.  Haven't been able to get rid of him since.
Sock Prosecutor:
I do believe that; he is an infamous moocher. And where was it that he intended to go?
Uncommon:
Hard to say, really, after all these years.  Something about going [Northwest] across the river, to the [Garden of Earthly Delights] or some such.  He was on an excavation, I believe, but I don't recall if he said anything about what he was after there.
Sock Prosecutor:
Ah, that seedy gentlemen's club on the west side of town. I know it all too well. Vagrancy, debauchery, palling around with gangsters. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Mr. Surlaw. Anything else to add, Mr. Uncommon?
Uncommon:
Oh, you know, just the usual, "miscarriage of justice", "typical incompetence of court-appointed defense", "prosecution is clearly paying off the judge" and all that.

Judge Slimehold:
GON' HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT, BOY.
Scottie:
Hey now, Bob chose me of his own free will, because he knows I'm the best. Now if y'all 'scuse me, gonna head out and hit up the toilet.
Sock Prosecutor:
Mr. Uncommon, you may step down. Your lack of respect for the law speaks volume about Mr. Surlaw.
Police Chief:
The court calls the Queen of All Cosmos to the stand.
Queen of All Cosmos:
Greetings. I am Queen of All Cosmos, ruler of land, sea and sky.
Sock Prosecutor:
Let it be known that the United Nations does not recognize this claim to sovereignty. Mrs. Queen, explain how it is that Mr. Surlaw became a subject of your court.
Queen of All Cosmos:
Mr. Surlaw was himself a wee hatchling in a small pond within my kingdom. While several of his brethren were selected to adorn the King's breakfast sandwich, Mr. Surlaw showed a taste in fashion that showed potential. As such, the cook spared him, and in his appreciation Mr. Surlaw pledged his life to the service of the court.
Sock Prosecutor:
Disturbing and outrageous. Let it be noted that the royalty of this fabled Sky World shows no regard for sentient lifeforms. As such, is it really any surprise that Mr. Surlaw, a man accused of such a senseless murder, would be a part of their entourage? Tell us, how many men did Mr. Surlaw kill in your name?
Queen of All Cosmos:
The largest battle Mr. Surlaw fought in my court was the Five Days' War against the Incessant Sweater Fuzz, in his duty of preparing the Royal Wardrobe for Sunday tea. Against the feisty nuggets he fought heroically, finally defeating them with his own teeth. As for men? The court found Mr. Surlaw is too precious, and too diminutive to wager in cosmic battle.
Sock Prosecutor:
Objection! Medical records show that Mr. Surlaw has no teeth. No teeth at all! Mrs. Queen, it is obvious that you're trying
to protect Mr. Surlaw, rather than unearth the true nature of his hideous being. Why are you protecting him?
Queen of All Cosmos:
My heavens! No teeth! No wonder he rejected all the chew toys I offered him.

Truth be told, Mr. Surlaw is like a dear pet to Sky World. He amuses us, and in turn we provide for him. He is a gentle fish, swimming peacefully in the Royal Moat throughout the days. He is quite the tourist attraction, greeting visitors with a flap of the fin. Mr. Surlaw and the court get along swimmingly, and I would rain tears upon the Earth if anything were to happen to my yellow friend.
Sock Prosecutor:
In light of the revelation that Mr. Surlaw is a mere animal, it should surprise no one that he acts on base animal instincts, especially the biggest one; the instinct to brutally murder his enemies for nothing. Thank you, that will be all.
Police Chief:
The court calls Attorney Adam P. Moogle to the stand.
Scottie:
Whew, that was a rush. Oh hey, it's that guy with the thing on his head. Mr. Moogle, you're successful attorney, with a long
history of legal victories. You're under oath to tell the truth here. How can I win this case? Anything would help, thanks dude. Your tie rules.
Sock Prosecutor:
Objection! The defense is wasting everyone's time. On top of that, he smells disgusting and is funking up the entire court room.
I'll be the one questioning this character witness. Mr. Moogle, begin by telling us about your relationship with the accused killer.
Moogle:
My... relationship? Bob, how could you? Our love was to be a secret!
Scottie:
OH SNAP!
Bob Surlaw:
:(
Sock Prosecutor:
So, you must know all about what makes Mr. Surlaw tick. Tell me about his mental history, starting with his arrest in 1998.
Remind us again what Mr. Surlaw spent three months in jail for that time.
Moogle:
Oh man, 1998. You gotta remember that he had just suffered a nasty breakup, so he wasn't in the best state of mind. He -- oh, how do I put this? He crossed the street at an illegal intersection. Allegedly. Anyway, he was never convicted, but the proceedings took three months and none of his deadbeat friends ever posted bail.
Sock Prosecutor:
A blatant disregard for public safety. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you see the kind of man we're dealing with.
Scottie:
Wait, he was never convicted, that means he didn't do it, right?
Sock Prosecutor:
Irrelevant. The judge decided the case was not worth hearing, but that does not clear Mr. Surlaw of his guilt, and this was
not an isolated incident. As we all know, Mr. Surlaw is the owner and operator of a hideous blue flying eyesore known as the Sky Flyer. Mr. Moogle, you're familiar with city ordinances regarding emissions and safety. Tell us about how the Sky Flyer works, and just how many of those ordinances it violates.
Moogle:
The Sky Flyer harnesses the elemental power of wind and sky in order to achieve a lighter-than-air weight. It was key evidence in the trial Walthros v. Surlaw, where expert witness Cpt. Planet was called to testify on this matter. I have the court records here, if it please the court:

Planet:
My findings are that the Sky Flyer is extremely friendly to the environment.

Prosecution:
Mr. Planet. I understand that the power of Wind belongs to the Russian Federation under the control of one "Linka." Am I correct?

Planet:
Yes.

Prosecution:
Is it not true, then, that the Sky Flyer is powered by communism?

The next line was struck from the record, so I can't really comment on whether the Sky Flyer is powered by communism. However, our Soviet friends have denounced the practice. Nevertheless, that model of Sky Flyer has been recalled because it lacks safety belts and is incompatible with child safety seats. I admit that Surlaw continues to use it, despite knowledge of the safety recall.
Sock Prosecutor:
Communism, pagan magic, and more disregard for public safety. That will be all, Mr. Moogle.
Scottie:
Yo Judge, can I ask Moogs some stuff?
Judge Slimehold:
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
Scottie:
Dynamite. So, Moogleman, can I ask you a personal question? What's with your antenna thing? Does it help you detect when someone's lying or something? ARE YOU AN EMPATH? I could use some help at home. My girlfriend, Woo, she's been coming home so late and she won't tell me where she's been.
Moogle:
It is the key to my many victories in court! I can tell you no more, for it is a trade secret.

As for your girlfriend, I can answer that for you. There's this sushi place that I go to sometimes, and I see her there pretty often. She's eating on you, a culinary backstab. You need to put your fin down on this one before she starts wondering what you taste like rolled in rice.
Scottie:
Sushi?! D..disgusting!
Bob Surlaw:
What does this have to do with proving my innocence?
Scottie:
Quiet man, quiet! Mr. Moogle, one last question. Will you represent me when I take my girlfriend to court for emotional trauma?
Moogle:
Sure. What are you doing for lunch? You'd be paying, of course.
Scottie:
Radical! Let's head on down to the Burger King after the trial's over. All right Bob, let's make this quick, I'm starving.
Police Chief:
The court calls Mr. Spoon Weaver to the stand.
Spoon Weaver:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the man you see before you is a murderer. He's committed hundreds of murders in the name of "saving the world" but they were murders all the same. This fish is a foul beast and deserves the worst punishment you people can think up. Thank God we still have stonings in this country! 
Sock Prosecutor:
Thank you for that, Mr. Weaver. As you can see, Mr. Surlaw is a monster without morals, and keeping him in jail is the only way to keep our children safe.
Scottie:
Objection! The witness clearly had an agenda when entering the court. I mean, he just started spouting off without even being
asked a question! Hey, I'm getting the hang of this.
Sock Prosecutor:
Fine, fine. We'll do it your way. I'm getting paid hourly here, might as well make it worth my time. Mr. Weaver, how did you
come to be acquainted with this one Bob Surlaw? When you met him, did you have any indication of his violent streaks?
Spoon Weaver:
...
Sock Prosecutor:
...
Spoon Weaver:
...
Sock Prosecutor:
...
Spoon Weaver:
...
Police Chief:
My god, he's dead!
Scottie:
What the hell? He just broke in half!
Judge Slimehold:
HE DIED FOR HIS SINS. MOVE ON.
Police Chief:
Uh, sure thing. Boys, clean this mess up. The court calls Nathan Karr to the stand.
Scottie:
All right baby, this is the one I asked to show up and testify!
Nathan Karr:
Hey, Bob! Scottie sure seemed to be in a hurry to put me on the stand.  Apparently I fall somewhere between "material evidence" and "character witness."
 
I know for a fact that you couldn't have possibly stabbed Mr. Lunaris because he was stabbed in the back, and you were standing in front of him. And I was behind him the whole time, so there's no way he could've stabbed himself.
 
And in any case
 
BLARGHABLARGABLARGH
Sock Prosecutor:
Objection! The witness is a turkey, and therefore is not a reliable source. Also, he appears to be choking on something and it's disgusting.
Judge Slimehold:
AGREED. Let's vote on this ball of meat. BOB SURLAW: GUILTY or INNOCENT?
Bob Surlaw:
Please save me! I'm too young and cute for such a cruel fate!

And so, Bob Surlaw awaits the jury's decision. Vote here to decide his fate. The rest is up to you.