Ask Surlaw
A Feature by Paul Harrington, with contributions from the OHR Community

Welcome home. On the last installment of Ask Surlaw, Bob Surlaw, star of such games as Walthros, Gato Sucio, and Surlaw Armageddon, was on trial for the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris at a house party on October 31, 2009. The OHR community has voted. Both sides have made their arguments, and justice is about to be smacked down in the most brutal fashion.


 Police Chief:
All rise. The honorable Judge Slimehold is about to lay down the law. Listen up, gentlemen.
Scottie:
Heh. Got this one in the bag.
Bob Surlaw:
oh god oh god oh god oh god
Sock Prosecutor:
You gonna die.
Judge Slimehold:
ENOUGH BLUBBERING. Justice time. BOB SURLAW! Twelve of your peers have spent the last month deciding whether or not you should be burned at the stake. GUESS WHAT?
Bob Surlaw:
Please let me live, I promise to change my ways! I'll stop using Game Genies and start donating to the homeless. I'll start with my cape. My very cape!
Judge Slimehold:
STOP TALKING. God-jesus do I hate this job. BOB SURLAW, by a vote of 9 to 3, you are hereby found NOT GUILTY of the heinous crime of murder. The soul of Fenrir J Lunaris will wander restlessly for eternity, never knowing who really killed him.
Sock Prosecutor:
Y...yeah... no one will ever know. Excuse me, I've got to be somewhere else. Somewhere far away. Bye.
Scottie:
Look at that, we won! I told you there was nothing to worry about, baby. Later, boys, I've got an appointment with Attorney Adam P. Moogle.
Judge Slimehold:
You're free to go. GET OUT.
Bob Surlaw:
Yaaaaaaaay

Outside

Bob Surlaw:
Guys, guys! I'm free! The jury found me innocent! I TOLD you I didn't kill that weird cat-dog-man!
Bob Surlaw:
...
Bob Surlaw:
Police Chief? Mr. 8-Bit? Moogler? NATHAN KARR?
Bob Surlaw:
...
Bob Surlaw:
...
Bob Surlaw:
...where is everyone?
Queen of All Cosmos:
Mr. Surlaw.
Bob Surlaw:
Your Majesty?
Queen of All Cosmos:
Congratulations on the achievement of the highest order of fishkind; freedom. In celebration my Royal Clowns will throw you a party. Do bring some pigs-in-a-blanket, would you?
Bob Surlaw:
T...thank you. I'm ready when you are.

And so, Bob Surlaw and the Queen of All Cosmos ascend into heaven aboard the USS Defiant. Little did Bob know that not all of his friends forgot him in his moment of need. A single letter was dropped in his mailbox after the trial ended.

Congratulations on your recent acquittal, Mr. Surlaw!  Enclosed is a check for services rendered, though I must say your rate was considerably higher than any of the jurors, and I do hope you'll spend it wisely.
And next time such a dreadful event rears its head, do let me know beforehand, I should think you'll want for better counsel.  Rest assured the matter has been dealt with.  I hope you weren't too attached to that Scotty fellow.

~Kingston Un-Common
Godfather

The End


Bob Surlaw will return in Wobblin' with Surlaw: The Exercise Tape