Candidate Surlaw, thanks for sitting down with us today! To begin, what inspired you to run for this prestigious office, despite your limited experience?
Good to be here, the buffet in the lobby outside was phenomenal. For too long, the Walthrosian senate has been controlled by thugs and billionaires who don't understand what it's like for the common dude. I walked from my humble house in the countryside to Beta City last week and encountered no less than a dozen random monsters. What up wit dat? I may not have political experience, but I have earned plenty of experience on the field of battle. I want to make the world a safer place for my bros.
The plight of the middle class is a popular talking point these days. You make reference to "the common dude", but you yourself are a pan-dimensional hero chosen by fate to save the universe. How would you, as Senator, defend the needs of Joe Walthros?
I may be a super hero, but I still enjoy the same things that any other normal fish blob enjoys. I still eat pizza every night, I still spend my weekends rolling in mud, and I still live in a four bedroom house with a big screen TV in every room. I'm just like you!
My first act if elected to the senate will be to push forward a bill to do something about two threats to our national security; Ralz pirates, and those lousy wandering monsters. As we all know, random encounters are greatly reduced if you make sure to carry the smelliest objects possible. I propose a Center for Bad Socks and Onions which will provide these items, free of charge, to any citizen that requests them. As for those pirates, we need to beef up our coastal security, and by that, I mean placing cows up and down the coast to warn us of approaching Ralz vessels. Now I'm not saying all of those dirty, beady-eyed Ralz are criminals, but if a gentle moo can deter the ones that ARE, then we've got ourselves a safer society.
Bob, your history of, and enthusiasm for, vigilantism against monsters is certainly no secret. How does your history of illegal sword-slinging and onion-carrying impact your candidacy?
The swords I carry are registered as antiques and may be carried openly. They were appraised by the esteemed Dr. Pescado of Beta City before his horrible, horrible death. I think it's important for today's youth to understand the value of history, and to study the implements of death once used. If our rivals trip and fall onto our swords, it is most certainly not our fault.
Besides, the swords are just for show, I can use magic and summon hellbeasts from the depths of the inferno. How kickin' rad is THAT? Who's going to question my policy when I'm riding upon the back of a sixty foot lobster?!
Fair enough! Your opponent, Scottie, has also been known to demonstrate fantastical powers. Given that you are both apparently consorts of the Devil, how do you differ from him, as a candidate?
My powers were all earned through fighting legions of monsters, digging up ancient artifacts, and spending big bucks on super cool magical gems. Scottie's power comes from hand-me-downs from his rich king father. He's royalty! He's the prince of the Tengun nation! What right does he have to enter a democratically elected body?
All of my money goes to making my body and mind tougher and cooler. I am a cool cat, and he is a square. His money goes towards fancy hats and dates with babes. Me? I date no one, and see this cape I'm wearing? Home stitched. Power to the people.
You've drawn a strong class-based distinction between yourself and Scottie. However, a number of commentators have criticized the field for being just another bunch of "fat yellow fish". What can you bring to the table that would appeal to the dinosaurs, giant apes and flightless birds of Walthros?
I have connections with members of nearly every group on Walthros. I spent my youth traveling the world, engaging new people and new cultures. Scottie, meanwhile, spent his youth taking waltz lessons and mocking commoners who visited Tengun in hopes of seeing the Scottian family treasures. The Ralz stealing that Green Crystal from his family was a blessing in disguise; it helped humble him and show him what it's like to be wronged. He's still a jerk though, don't vote for him.
Scottie's the kind of guy who would vote against Dinosaur Island's petition to include a representative of their nation in the Walthrosian senate. I'm a friend of the dinosaurs. If I'm elected, I'll make sure the smelly dopes of Dinosaur Island are no longer treated as second-rate citizens.
That's very inspiring! Of course, some of your journeys have led to friendships with notable miscreants. Can you tell us anything about your relationship with the so-called "Walrus Man"?
I've said it before and I'll say it again; I do not condone the actions Walrus Man took to get his political message out to the world. I abhor resorting to violence to sway people's opinions, and Walrus Man has since repented for his more heinous crimes. We were comrades in arms during the Crystal Crisis, but rest assured that I never considered him a friend. We haven't spoken in six years.
On the subject of the Crystal Crisis, you've frequently spoken about a "cycle of decay" afflicting society. Could you elaborate on your social policy platform, and how it is influenced by these religious beliefs?
In my travels, I have visited no fewer than four alternate realities. I really mean that, too, it wasn't just the result of eating bad beef or something. In all these worlds, I've seen common strands, and these strands have begun to unravel due to our negligent behavior. It would seem that the destruction of cool stuff causes the universe to belch up bad things, so I've made the preservation of historical places and artifacts a big part of my life. If you ever see a totally rad looking rock or sword, DON'T BLOW IT UP. Just smile and strut. Stay cool.
Alright, Bob, thanks for your time! Let's wrap up with a personal note: if you could take an undecided voter to dinner, what would you like to tell him? And over what meal?
I'd tell this so-called voter that I'm a totally hip dude, and that if you believe in chillin', eatin', and just rappin' 'bout stuff in general, I'm your guy, bro. I'm not Scottie. You can trust me.
We would, of course, eat pizza. The toppings would be up to the guest, but I kindly request they not choose anchovies. Thank you and good night!
