A Feature by Paul Harrington
Brought to you by Señor Buck n' Cluck's Pizzeria
Here it is, the moment you've all been desperately waiting for; the results of the 2010 Walthrosian Senate race! It was a tense race to watch, with victory switching from the sticky fins of Scottie to that slippery dope Surlaw's at almost the last moment.
Full results:
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Adventure,
entrepreneur, and all around pig Bob Surlaw wins this hotly contested
election with a plurality of 43%. His main opponent, Scottie, only
managed to to earn 29%.
Write-in votes made a huge impact on this election, totaling 28% of all votes cast. 7% of those write-ins went to Libertarian candidate Dr. Mu, who received his doctorate from an online diploma mill. Another 7% went to an actual doctor, Dr. Pescado, who earned his doctorate in art history at the University of Southern Walthros. Also of interest is to note that Dr. Pescado recently died while exploring the Sun Shrine, a mysterious landmark on an island south of the Wirr Continent. His death hit Walthros hard, and many of these votes were cast to honor his memory.
Meanwhile, 14% of all voters who chose the write-in option fell under the categories of "lazy" or "illiterate," and did not fill in the required information specifying who they were writing in. Some of these blank ballots may have been intended as protest votes against the senate establishment, but more likely than not it's just the voters not paying attention again.
We go now live to Beta City, where Bob Surlaw is about to give his victory speech.
Write-in votes made a huge impact on this election, totaling 28% of all votes cast. 7% of those write-ins went to Libertarian candidate Dr. Mu, who received his doctorate from an online diploma mill. Another 7% went to an actual doctor, Dr. Pescado, who earned his doctorate in art history at the University of Southern Walthros. Also of interest is to note that Dr. Pescado recently died while exploring the Sun Shrine, a mysterious landmark on an island south of the Wirr Continent. His death hit Walthros hard, and many of these votes were cast to honor his memory.
Meanwhile, 14% of all voters who chose the write-in option fell under the categories of "lazy" or "illiterate," and did not fill in the required information specifying who they were writing in. Some of these blank ballots may have been intended as protest votes against the senate establishment, but more likely than not it's just the voters not paying attention again.
We go now live to Beta City, where Bob Surlaw is about to give his victory speech.
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Bob Surlaw: Good evening fish monsters, seal people, talking worms, smelly cat beasts, almost penguins, and walruses. What a ride this has been. I want to thank Señor Buck n' Cluck's Pizzeria for providing tonight's refreshments. Gracias! Buck n' Cluck stupendo! The other guys? Que asco. I'm wearing my formal vestments tonight. I haven't worn this cape in nearly 13 years. Back then, the planet was in a state of endless war, and I switched from this vigorous red cape to a calming blue one, hoping to spread peace and tranquility to all the angry bros of the world. Looks like it worked; the world is more or less at peace aside from those disgusting pirates and moon monsters,Walthrosian Fish feel safe hovering around Beta City at night thanks to the local enforcers that they pay their weekly tribute to, and the pizza flows plentifully. And nowhere does it flow better than from Señor Buck n' Cluck's! I'd like to thank outgoing senator Grape of Rodentia for deciding not to run for reelection, vacating his seat after that unfortunate cough syrup controversy. If he had run, he would no doubt have won for a fourth time, due to his billions of dollars from corporate interests. Stepping down was the honorable thing to do. I'd like to thank my opponent, Scottie, for making himself look so bad in his interviews that I was able to drift to an easy victory. His numbers were high until that run in with the reporter from the Dunzain Daily. You remember, the one that he beat down with a pool cue after the reporter brought up the allegations of Scottie using his position as Prince of Tengun to run an illegal anchovie ring out of his mom's basement. Classy guy, that Scottie! Sea life everywhere can rest safe knowing that Señor Buck n' Cluck's uses only the finest beef and bird in its ingredients. A lot of people worked hard to make this campaign a success. Thank you to Dinosaur Giant, your viral videos were a huge hit. Salom Lancoven, for inviting me to cameo in your latest rap music video, even if you did make an alternate version featuring Scottie in case he won. Dr. Pescado, for teaching me everything I know, may he rest in peace. Super Walrus Man, for kindly staying quiet throughout the election when his words could have been used to seriously harsh my groove. And most of all, the voters. Not only the 43% that voted for me, but also the 28% that threw away their votes on write-ins. I'm your senator too. To the 29% that voted for Scottie, you ain't nothin' to me. Don't expect no representation in this upcoming congressional cycle. Get out my face. Peace. |