A Feature by Paul Harrington
A
special announcement from Senator
Gohrilla Proboscis. Be sure to vote on the initiative at the end of
this article. The future of Walthros is in your hands!
My friends, fellow Senators, and Walthrosian citizens, I come before
you today to call for a return of dignity to our proud establishment.
Several months ago, Senator Grape of Rodentia resigned in shame, and a
special election was held to fill his seat. There were two front
runners in this race, the morally filthy, and filthy rich, Scottie of
Tengun, and the celebrity candidate, Bob Surlaw of Beta City. Neither
candidate hails from Rodentia, and thus had no business representing
its people, but money talks, and these two gentlemen drowned out the
words of their Rodentian competition. The voters of Walthros were asked
to choose the lesser of two evils, and they chose Mr. Surlaw.
I feel that it's time to say what's on the minds of all the Walthrosian
senate, but what no one wants to be the first to say; Senator Surlaw
has made a mockery of our political system. On the rare occasion that
he shows up to vote, Surlaw tends to fall asleep mid-session. His floor
speeches amount to little more than bizarre, rambling advertisements
for pizza restaurants. Surlaw has re-appropriated funds intended to
help the people of his district and has instead spent them on his own
pleasures. He recently had his old house outside of Beta City declared
a national landmark, and purchased a new home in the most expensive
region available; Space. Surlaw's orbital pleasure palace can be seen
from the surface of the planet, and is a hideous, golden eyesore. He
claimed that by launching this gaudy abode he would be encouraging the
people of Walthros to work their hardest, for they too could some day
be superstars.
The only reason Senator Surlaw had the opportunities in his youth that
brought him to where he is today is the fact that Beta City takes good
care of its needy, with a fine education system, safe streets, and top
notch medical facilities. If Surlaw had been in charge of appropriating
funds back in those days, he would have never survived his chronic
nostril problems to become who he is. The city would be bankrupt, all
of its funds spent on space stations and saucy foods.
The people of Rodentia cannot afford that fate. Unemployment has sky
rocketed since Surlaw cut funding to Rodentia's education and
transportation departments, and he has no plans to make things better
any time soon. He has in fact spent money originally reserved for urban
development to hire an entourage of groupies known as "The Wobblers" to
follow him from town to town preaching about pizza.
Some may say our system makes no sense, that we're making things up as
we go along. Some may say that perhaps we should have some series of
checks and balances in place to prevent this lewd behavior from
continuing. Maybe they're right. Maybe the Walthrosian Senate really
does make no sense, and no one can even tell you what our term limits
are.
One thing's for certain, though. It's time for Surlaw to go. I put it
to the people to vote on my proposal to remove Surlaw from office by a
recall vote. The future is in your hands.