Senator Surlaw - The Accusation
A Feature by Paul Harrington

A special announcement from Senator Gohrilla Proboscis. Be sure to vote on the initiative at the end of this article. The future of Walthros is in your hands!

My friends, fellow Senators, and Walthrosian citizens, I come before you today to call for a return of dignity to our proud establishment. Several months ago, Senator Grape of Rodentia resigned in shame, and a special election was held to fill his seat. There were two front runners in this race, the morally filthy, and filthy rich, Scottie of Tengun, and the celebrity candidate, Bob Surlaw of Beta City. Neither candidate hails from Rodentia, and thus had no business representing its people, but money talks, and these two gentlemen drowned out the words of their Rodentian competition. The voters of Walthros were asked to choose the lesser of two evils, and they chose Mr. Surlaw.

I feel that it's time to say what's on the minds of all the Walthrosian senate, but what no one wants to be the first to say; Senator Surlaw has made a mockery of our political system. On the rare occasion that he shows up to vote, Surlaw tends to fall asleep mid-session. His floor speeches amount to little more than bizarre, rambling advertisements for pizza restaurants. Surlaw has re-appropriated funds intended to help the people of his district and has instead spent them on his own pleasures. He recently had his old house outside of Beta City declared a national landmark, and purchased a new home in the most expensive region available; Space. Surlaw's orbital pleasure palace can be seen from the surface of the planet, and is a hideous, golden eyesore. He claimed that by launching this gaudy abode he would be encouraging the people of Walthros to work their hardest, for they too could some day be superstars.

The only reason Senator Surlaw had the opportunities in his youth that brought him to where he is today is the fact that Beta City takes good care of its needy, with a fine education system, safe streets, and top notch medical facilities. If Surlaw had been in charge of appropriating funds back in those days, he would have never survived his chronic nostril problems to become who he is. The city would be bankrupt, all of its funds spent on space stations and saucy foods.

The people of Rodentia cannot afford that fate. Unemployment has sky rocketed since Surlaw cut funding to Rodentia's education and transportation departments, and he has no plans to make things better any time soon. He has in fact spent money originally reserved for urban development to hire an entourage of groupies known as "The Wobblers" to follow him from town to town preaching about pizza.

Some may say our system makes no sense, that we're making things up as we go along. Some may say that perhaps we should have some series of checks and balances in place to prevent this lewd behavior from continuing. Maybe they're right. Maybe the Walthrosian Senate really does make no sense, and no one can even tell you what our term limits are.

One thing's for certain, though. It's time for Surlaw to go. I put it to the people to vote on my proposal to remove Surlaw from office by a recall vote. The future is in your hands.

Should Senator Bob Surlaw be recalled from office?