In the two years following Bob Surlaw's election as senator, the planet Walthros has had tremendously bad fortune. All school cafeterias were forced to replace their healthy, replicated meals with pure, greasy pizza. The Ralz pirates were offered amnesty if they agreed to star in a reality TV show. The entire continent of Dunzai was sold to an invasive machine race in a backroom deal. No one knows how most of these incidents happened; no one voted with Surlaw on these issues, and yet he still managed to get nearly everything he wanted. Some believe it was dark magic; others think it was his connection to casino billionaire and former senate rival Scottie.

Senator Surlaw's most recent blunder ignited a war between Walthros and the planet Earth. As the war comes to an end, the people want answers. He now stands trial for crimes against humanity.

	Police Chief: All rise for the honorable Judge Harpoon. Stand, and let the funk flow.
	Harpoon: Senator Bobblin "The Wobbler" Surlaw, son of Hank, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. The prosecution claims that your recent actions against the people of Earth are directly responsible for the war that has, after great loss, finally ended. Our planet was literally decimated in this war; the 90% of us that survived loathe you with every fiber of our being. Ever since you appointed me Chief Judge of the Law when you couldn't repay your credit card debt to my bank I've been looking for a way to stick you. I swear that this shall be an unfair, heavily biased trial. There's no way out of this one, Bob.
	Bob Surlaw: I have no idea who you are. What up, people! How's it hangin'?
	Harpoon: Prosecution, present your evidence.
	Salom: Bob, I'm gonna prosecute you hard, bro.
	Bob Surlaw: Salom?! Where have you been? We haven't talked in months!
	Salom: I've been mad ever since you stuffed me in a pipe and left me in the summer sun. I lost my voice calling for help. But that's not why I'm here; I promised way back in the first video game we were in together that if you ever went mad with power, I'd be there to take you down. I'm living up to that promise.
	Bob Surlaw: But you're my bro!
	Salom: Bros we may be, but there's an old Earth saying; "Let not he who is your bro stand in the way of your woman." You may be my bro, bro Bob, Bob Brolaw, but I have a very special lady in my life: Justice.
	Bob Surlaw: I didn't know you were dating anyone!
	Salom: She's metaphorical.
	Bob Surlaw: I wouldn't let her catch you saying that, HELLOOO!
	Salom: Also you liked a video game that I really hated.
	Bob Surlaw: So are we still going to the Monkees tribute concert next month?
	Salom: Probably not since you're on trial now and are probably going to get a life sentence.
	Bob Surlaw: :(
	Salom: B-)
	Harpoon: Enough! Prosecution, present your evidence, immediately!
	Salom: Bob, we have evidence that you used Walthros's most powerful subspace transmitter to send a photocopy of obscene material to the people of Earth, dealing them a most grievous insult.
	Bob Surlaw: I ain't seen nothin'! What I do? Who?
	Salom: Stop playing stupid. We all know it's an act. You photocopied a picture of your buttocks and sent it to every living thing on Earth that happened to have an advanced subspace receiver. This event, known on the street to some as The Ass Effect Incident, to others as The Fart Heard Round the Cosmos, led to Earth declaring war on our planet and dropping bombs everywhere until we finally surrendered and signed away our likenesses to children's cartoons and bad webcomics.
	Bob Surlaw: Haha, buttocks.
	Salom: A lot of our people are dead. The rest of us all look stupid. This is all because of you. How do you plead?
	Harpoon: That's my line! You're out of order. We're going to have a parade of character witnesses now.
	Salom: What? Why? We've got all the evidence we need right here, in this folder I'm holding out of frame.
	Harpoon: If we end it now there will be no drama. Witnesses!

	Salom: Mr. Rabbit, this isn’t the first time you’ve been in a courtroom with Mr. Surlaw. A couple years back, who cares when, he was accused of the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris. You served as the prosecution. Tell us what went down way back then.
	Sock Rabbit: That wasn’t me.
	Salom: I’m pretty sure it was.
	Sock Rabbit: No way.
	Salom: Here, let me remind you.
	Sock Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, the fish you see before you, Mr. Bobblin W. Surlaw, was arrested on October 31, 2009 for the murder of Fenrir J. Lunaris. The murder took place at a house party, and illegal substances may have been involved. Witnesses at the scene reported a mass confusion shortly before the murder took place, and while there are many versions of the story floating around, one fact remains the same throughout all of them; Mr. Surlaw was the last person to see Mr. Lunaris on the night of the murder, and was in fact in close proximity to the man when a knife suddenly appeared in his back. We know that none of the party guests were expert knife throwers, so the only logical conclusion is that Mr. Surlaw himself killed Mr. Lunaris.
	Scottie: That's all you got? You can't even produce the knife. If Bobby here iced Fen, his scales would be all over the weapon.
	Sock Prosecutor: It is true that the murder weapon was not recovered, and that it is possible that Mr. Surlaw had an accomplice who would clean up the scene after the brutal act. However, I believe I can prove conclusively to the court that Mr. Surlaw is a menace to society and must be put away for good. I have gathered today a number of character witnesses whose testimony will prove that this fish has gone rotten.
	Scottie: Yeah right. Gonna go get a malt, hang in there BS. Don't let this sucka get you down.
	Sock Rabbit: Clearly not me. I don’t have hair. Not guilty.
	Salom: You’re not the one on trial here, Rabbit. You’re here to tell us about how Bob’s a slob.
	Sock Rabbit: Oh, of course. His filthy lifestyle is the very reason I spawned. I gained sentience deep in a pile of Bob Surlaw’s garbage, slowly growing in mass and hatred. When I was finally strong enough to speak, I declared myself alive and Surlaw threw me in a washing machine.  This is my origin story, thanks for listening.
	Bob Surlaw: Haha, you puked lint everywhere after that.
	Harpoon: A confession! One point added to the Bob Surlaw is Gross tally.
	Salom: Bob, now’s the time your lawyer is supposed to object or look embarrassed or something. Where is he?
	Bob Surlaw: He hasn’t been returning my calls but I assume he’ll show up eventually!
	Salom: He will not. All of your allies have abandoned you.
	Bob Surlaw: Well ain’t that a big ole Z.

	Salom: Mr. Frog, you claim Bob Surlaw’s fame is a direct result of co-opting your style. By your own accounts, you are the inventor of the whole “wobbly roundness with a hint of hot air” fashion that Surlaw tries to represent.
	Frog: Boy stole my style.
	Salom: Do you believe Mr. Surlaw is guilty of Fashion Plagiarism?
	Frog: Yup. He a busta.
	Bob Surlaw: Whaaat? I’m older than him by like ten years!
	Salom: I hear that it doesn’t matter who did it first, but rather who did it most stylishly. Mr. Frog, tell us what it means to be you.
	Frog: Eat all day, eat all night. Fall asleep on a toilet. Wake up in a toilet. Almost had a big Hollywood career. Got addicted to neck lengthening drugs, got ugly. No one wants The Frog around no more.
	Salom: Ladies, if that doesn’t sound like Mr. Surlaw, I don’t know what does. Gentlemen, if that doesn’t sound like Mr. Surlaw, I don’t know what does.
	Bob Surlaw: How can that be me? I don’t have a neck and I’m not green and I don’t have a toilet anymore since YOU BROKE IT SALOM.
	Salom: Objection; Surlaw never allowed me to use his toilet. Next witness.

	Salom: Dinosaur Giant, you are known as a trickster and a louse. We know you are friends with Bob Surlaw and once spent a year in jail for arson. You’re such a mean and bad person that Surlaw must be even WORSE if he’s friends with you, right?
	Dinosaur Giant: Haha, I am a distraction.
	Salom: What?
	Dinosaur Giant: Bob is gone.
	Bob Surlaw:
	Salom: ...
	Bob Surlaw:
	Harpoon: ...
	Bob Surlaw:
	Dinosaur Giant: He flew the coop.

I heard Salomn yell at me from over the hill STOP BOB and I said NO and thre my red cape at him and put on Old Blue and it was like old itime agfain.

OH GOD IT UHRTS TI RUN QNYMORE where are you my friends I waited for months and NO super walrus man and NO gru the bird-thing why have thee forsaken thee

Harppoon THREW HIMSELF IN FROPNT OF MY PATH AND IU THREW MY ARMS UPO AND SAID HELL NAW

Salom stopped ang thunk, is this really the answer?" is it right to beat up dumb jerks juts because they hate you?

so i decided to take action into my own hands and jumped off the cliff

I heard Salomn yell at me from over the hill STOP BOB and I said NO and threw myself

Fell for a very long time, like 30m feet. I felt myself get hurt and get knocked out and didn't know what I was going to do if I lived but I think I would.

WOAH WOAH WHAT? I landed on a whale

I knew a truth then. There would be no more time for stupid sayings. I would regain my composure and get surgery to reverse the brain damage I'd suffered in the last few years. It was time to move on to newer, better things. I said to the whale, "Will you take me to outer space" and he belched. I knew then that things were going to be ok. So long, Salom. See you out there, Dinosaur Giant. Harpoon, I hope you never get unstuck from the top of the cliff. Sock Rabbit, I have no idea who you are. Portly Round Frog, I believe you should abandon your new hipster name and go back to the name your forefathers gave you; Fat Frog. It's been a good run.